-- Sent from my Palm Pre

from a co-worker today

I usually don't forward emails, but this is too funny and true to not pass on, especially if you're a golfer, which I'm not:



Many of you may not know it, but I have been very busy over the last 2 years putting my thoughts and ideas together in a book.
I am very proud of the results and to assist with the marketing, I am asking friends and family to help me out.

I believe my new book on GOLF gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I have gained through my years of struggle and experience. I'm hopeful you find this a useful tool to help you enjoy your game that much more as you enjoy the great outdoors.

The cost is only $9.95.  Don't wait until they're all gone !!!!

Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt.

Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Nike from the Rough, when you Hit a Titleist from the tee.

Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a bunker.

Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance off the Shank.

Chapter 5 - When to Give the Ranger the Finger.

Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings.

Chapter 7 - When to Implement Handicap Management.

Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m.

Chapter 9 - How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round.

Chapter 10- When Does A Divot become classified as Sod.

Chapter 11 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the water.

Chapter 12 - Why your Spouse Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th.

Chapter 13- Using Curse words Creatively to Control  Ball Flight.

Chapter 14-When to Let a Foursome Play through Your Twosome.

Chapter 15 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting five off the Tee.

Chapter 16 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent.

Chapter 17 - God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt.

Chapter 18 - When to Regrip Your Ball Retriever.

Chapter 19- Throwing Your Clubs: An Effective  stress-Reduction Technique.

Chapter 20 - Can You Purchase a Better Golf Game?

Chapter 21 - Why Male Golfers Will Pay $5.00 a Beer from the Cart Girl and Give her a $3 Tip, but will balk at $4.50 at the 19th Hole and stiff the Bartender

reminded

I was just reminded of two of the dumbest things I hear on a regular basis. Unfortunately, I say them, too...but that doesn't mean I don't hate myself afterwards:

"What can I do ya for?"

Ugh...that just makes me vomit in my mouth every time I hear it. It's like the sly, clever sex pun that is neither sly nor clever.

"It is what it is."

Really? Is it? What exactly is what it is if it is what it is?

fruit stripe gum - a love letter

Dear Fruit Stripe Gum,

I love you. You are the metaphor for the perfect woman. It starts with your included tattoos, which are very sexy. Then, you are lightly dusted to prevent sticking (I'm not quite sure how this relates to a woman. Yet.). You are the sweetest tasting thing I have ever known. Your flavor is unique, yet tantalizing. I think about you all the time.

Then your flavor runs out, the uniqueness is gone, and I spit you out, and move on to the next piece.

It doesn't get much better than that.

Love,

Geoff

you know who else ate everybody he killed?

From the Fark headline:
Eliza Dushku: "I like bow-hunting. I eat everything I kill." PETA: "You know who else ate everyone he killed?"

http://forums.fark.com/cgi/fark/comments.pl?IDLink=4179377

I didn't get much further in the comments, but the first one is the best. I chuckled.

I learned something new today

I learned that no matter how hard I try, I cannot jam a Dum-Dum brand lollipop up my nose.

Unless I suck on it for about 20 minutes.

do you know what's loud?

the goddamn click wheel on my mouse at work. Seriously. It sounds like I'm toppling dominoes every single time I scroll down a webpage. They need to make a "stealth mouse" or something.

I know I read somewhere that you can actually take/remove/modify the click mechanism, but that involves tools, time and patience. At the same time, and I usually run at two out of three.

I swear...it echoes.